Quicksand.

It's weird to think about the problems in my life. I don't do anything about most, I half-try solving some, and a full-out effort (kind of) on the rest..usually resulting in failure. But in life, there's no failure, only learning; my favorite quote that eventually I hope I will learn the truth behind it and live accordingly. Anyways, problems.

I'm young, so why the hell would I ever have problems big enough to worry about? That would probably be the result of me being an emotional basket case on top of being completely over-dramatic; good combination? Definitely. I guess I can explain a few of these "problems."

Boyfriend. So, I have been raised on good morals and high standards that shouldn't be lowered no matter what. Of course I will break the rules and be a 'rebel', but why has it gotten to the point where it tortures me? I apologize for not explaining but I will now...I am dating a guy who smokes weed 'occasionally'. By 'occasionally', I do mean like once every two or three weeks...with the occasional more than that, I suppose. This has been something that has bothered me since the beginning but I was too stupid to do anything about it a year ago when we started dating therefore there is now less likely of a chance of it to change. I know that people who choose to smoke will not stop unless they sincerely want to. So I'm not sure why I even try to fight it. I'll be honest, I smoked once. But that one time that I tried it was because I felt like a hypocrite for nagging on my boyfriend every time he smoked when I never knew what it was like to start with. To say the least, I absolutely hated it. Part of me wished that I would have somewhat liked it (I did like the part that I giggled at EVERYTHING) just because I am so sick and tired of having to deal with the fact that he does it and it bothers me so much. I can't figure out though if it bothers me so much because I know that it's wrong or because he won't stop even though he knows how much it bugs me. Either way, I don't know what to do about it...obviously I can't do anything about it..for some reason, I just feel the need to continue upsetting myself over it. Or to have him upset me over it. On top of the weed, another problem arises. Do all teenage-on-the-verge-of-adulthood boys enjoy THAT much guy time? And if you have guy time so much...is it so hard to talk to your girlfriend every now and then instead of completely forgetting about your phone causing the girlfriend to feel unimportant? I told you...I'm a bit over dramatic, but at the same time I don't feel that I'm the only person at fault for all the emotions that run through my head numerous times throughout the week. My boyfriend is my best friend. We have been dating for a year now and we seem to get through everything that is up against us, he's taught me a lot about myself and I thank him so much for that. Every relationship has it's kinks but in the end, it's always us coming out on top together that keeps us going strong.

Parents. I suppose that I am still at the stage where I feel like my parents don't understand me most of the time. My relationship with each individual parent is completely different, to the point of where they're bipolar opposites. My mom and I relate very well and I can give that credit to the fact that I do not have a very strong relationship with my dad, therefore I lean more on her. But lately she has gone psycho when it comes to me hanging out with friends and "not being home enough." I'm sorry that I leave for college in the fall mom and I want to see as much of my friends as possible. Though, I'll miss my mom a lot. My dad on the other hand, we don't see eye to eye on pretty much anything. He's strong willed, stubborn, hard headed, yet still a good dad. I don't tell him that and I know that I should. Dad, I love you. There has been things in my life that he has done that has caused me to dislike my dad and I have held that over him since Thanksgiving '06. I don't trust easily at all and I feel bad saying that I partially blame that on him but it's kind of true. Or maybe it just is in my head. My parents are both awesome though and I need to learn to better appreciate them.

College. I leave for college in approximately 40ish days. That's a crazy, crazy thought. I haven't decided yet how I want to act in college. I've heard that I can become whoever I want to, start over with whatever I want to. Let go, and just live life. I've always been the type of person to hold onto my past and a new start with new people and a few old friends sounds amazing. I'm terrified though. There are so many 'what ifs' that it's just unimaginable at times. I haven't quite figured out if I want to party a lot in college, be the stereotypical college freshman...or just focus on my major and creating new relationships while still keeping a few of the old ones. College is complicated yet axhiliarating.

Faith. I've grown up in the Methodist church, I have been a member of the youth, and I have experienced multiple missions trips and church camps. My faith used to be so strong and so unbreakable. I felt stable, I felt like I had a ton of support from those who love me. God opened up a world to me, a world that everything seemed so perfect. He has given me this miraculous life to live and yet what's the problem? I've strayed away. I feel like my faith is weakening a little at a time. I've slowly stopped going to church, detatched myself from my youth group, and am not attending camp this year. I have a prayer journal that I continue to write in every now and then and I still pray every night. But my prayer every night seems to be more scheduled than wanted. I want to surround myself with those whose hearts are on fire for God's love. I want to be filled with a burning passion to learn more and to serve God. I know that I am strong enough to bring myself back onto His path, but I have yet to figure out if I am willing to.

I wish to continue on with this blog, though whether I remember to write in it is questionable. I hope that I do, even if it is just a little bit each day. It's a good way for me to vent and try to figure out things in my life. Opinions? Feel free to give them.

Yours truly.